“for everyone in doubt
especially for myself”
I wrote in an essay for class the other day that “It scares me to label myself as a creative- that feels like a burden to pull, a status to live up to, a weight to bear.” My peer editor underlined this and commented that it was very brave and honest. It surprised me that the line would stick out to him. I just know it as the truth.
I told someone today that “The com department scares me” and they laughed and said they were surprised at my blunt honestly. I don’t have a use for those names like honest and vulnerable. I just know it as the truth.
I’m scared that I can’t measure up, creatively, to the competitive field that I’m going into and to my own standards and dreams of excellence. I think that is why this video is so incredibly inspiring to me. I am in this gap between what I want to be creating and what I am creating and I have this fear that I will be for a very long time. I have so much to learn and I know just enough to know that what I am making is not great. There is this pressure to be already there.
But there is so much encouragement when you’re looking for it too. For homework I have to watch and read and be around all sort of inspiring people and things. I just watched a TED talk for class by a photojournalist named Ryan Lobo where he said: “In my life, when I tried to achieve things like success or recognition, they eluded me. Paradoxically, when I let go of these objectives, and worked from a place of compassion and purpose, looking for excellence, rather than the results of it, everything arrived on its own.”
A friend told me today that in photography, your first ten thousand pictures will be awful. You just have to keep practicing. So this is me, practicing through the gap. Writing, photographing, reporting, painting through the gap.
(You really really need to watch this video, even if you don’t think you do. You do. It took the creator a year to make and it’s just beautiful. Do yourself a favor.)